You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
