you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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