News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize