He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
