please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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