You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
