i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
