you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
