I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
