I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
