so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
