I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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