I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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