half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
