It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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