Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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