I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
