when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
