Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
