I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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