I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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