Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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