I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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