i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
