So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
