I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
