I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
