that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
