I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
