He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
