here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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