I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
