just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
