I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
