how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
