So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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