you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
