I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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