I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
