Non-Jews are for practice
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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