god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
