I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
