if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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