we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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