Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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