Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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