I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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