grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Drake has all the answers
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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