That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
