I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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