i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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