Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just tell him i said nine months
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
