Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
