i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
