Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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