The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
