you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
