It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
